Snowflake Challenge #9

[kate]

Brag about yourself. Tell us what things you've done that you're proud of; the things that make you the wonderful person you are.

Oh it's this one. This is the toughest one of all snowflake, I think. In general we're taught (everyone, I think, but women in particular) that we shouldn't think too much of ourselves, or speak too much of ourselves, and that braggarts are unseemly. And we all know those people who seem to think very highly of themselves and constantly talk about the great things they do, etc. and I think most of us find it really distasteful.

To be honest, I think all of us are better than we allow ourselves to say. Truly. I think one of the reasons imposter syndrome is so prevalent and a general feeling of worthlessness seems to plague people these days is because we're not allowed to feel proud of what we do, no matter what the size of the accomplishment. If someone thanks us, we're supposed to self-deprecate or divert attention. It took me YEARS to develop the skill of saying "Thank you" to a compliment and not add something that was self-deprecating afterward.

It's a little weird, though, talking about this because I am very confident in my work skills. I don't brag about them, but my confidence in them is very high. I recently became the director of my office, and my boss argued for my salary to be higher than the guy who just left after having been director for 8 years. And my wife said, "You deserve it," and I answered, "Yeah, I do." Which is just plain truth, the experience I bring is broader than his was and the only thing he had was 8 years of historical knowledge, and the more I dig into things as we get audited, the more I realize it wasn't that great an 8 years. But I am confident that I am worth it, because my specific skillset, my work ethic, and my interpersonal and managerial skills are all really excellent. So I have no qualms about speaking confidently about anything in my work life.

I have other things I am confident in, too. My knowledge of music and musical ability. My adulting skills in general. My generosity. My kindness to others. These are all things I don't mind talking about because I have spend years honing them and practicing them, and it's not bragging if you're just stating that you're good at something because you've spent a long time doing it.

I even have a little bit of this about my writing, because I'm no longer a beginner and I've got 16 years under my belt. I've had ups and downs and figured out what works for me, dropped the ball because stress, and picked it up to relearn it again. But writing is something that always could use improvement, and there's a lot of other things that go into it, so I'm not really one to brag openly about it. Also - I just. I'm in a few different discords and the tenor of the conversation is... uncomfortable for me. I'm not in it to brag anyway, I'm in it to talk, and maybe support newer/younger writers. (Or podficcers - I'm in at least one podfic discord too.) If I am really proud of something, I usually just preen to a few good friends of mine who are delightfully supportive, and that's good enough.

I do actually think I'm a pretty great beta, especially for young/new writers. Unfortunately I don't have the time to do this like I used to. It takes a lot of effort and encouragement and the older I get, the bigger my responsibilities get and my time just keeps narrowing and narrowing all while my interests keep broadening and broadening. It's a frustrating situation.

So anyway - I guess I did brag about myself a bit! But what I really was planning to say is that I have had time to develop some really weird knowledge and skills in my life, and if you ever need someone to soundboard or edit for any of the following stuff, hit me up:

Emergency Room: this is a bit out of date these days, but I could help with basic info about hospitals, tests, language etc.
Swimming: competitive right up to just under Olympic level.
Dancing: non-professional level. I have a lot of interest in it and watch a lot of it, and had ballet lessons until I was in college.
Music: particularly Western orchestral music, music theory, and conservatory training in the U.S.
Managing Staff, including Performance Management/Personnel Development: Do you have someone that's supposed to be a great manager in your fic? There's more to it than not being a dick when they need personal time (though that is a HUGE THING and you would be surprised how many managers don't do it (or maybe you wouldn't be surprised, just disappointed)). But a good manager is looking out for your staff, now and in the future, and there's a lot that goes into this. It takes a lot of kindness, and a willingness to be strong for your employees, because they don't have a lot of pull and you do. Also a willingness to let go - which is a skill extremely few managers have. Not every person will be able to fulfill their career dreams in your office, and if you give them everything you can, you may need to push them out the door so they can take their next step.
Contracting: I hate that I'm good at this, but I know how to read and negotiate contracts and tips and tricks on how to get people to agree to certain clauses.
Research Administration: not the actual science part, but the regulations and paperwork surrounding research (it's a huge timesuck and massive pain in the ass for researchers (that's not to say it's unwarranted - it's to protect research subjects, whether human or animal, staff working in the labs, and to ensure stewardship of research funds)).

I'm sure there are other things, but I've only just woken up and already have a headache. Time to drink more water!

ETA: And you know, it's funny (again) because I realize I just bragged about my skills which I have spent a lifetime learning and have no qualms about believing in myself, receiving compliments or acknowledgements, or whatever. The things that make me squirm (which is what I wanted to get at with this post) but that also make me super happy when someone recognizes them are: my mentorship/teaching abilities and supportiveness of people who are learning new skills and young adults in general, my kindness and generosity, my ability to enthuse about and support my friends and their projects, my incisiveness (about work mostly, but occasionally about an argument going around on the internet), and my willingness to learn. I was once complimented on my ability to apologize, and that's another skill I've learned over the years and am very proud of, but the ability behind it, to accept that I've made a mistake, look at the situation and how to make amends if possible, or an apology and promise to do better if not - that skill is one that constantly takes honing. Defensiveness, particularly in areas where you have privilege, is usually a clue that you have something to learn, and it is very uncomfortable. Learning to live with the discomfort while you poke at it and to apologize to those you've hurt is a skill that I recommend everyone learn. I'm still working on mine, which is why it makes me squirm when someone compliments it. But I'm very proud of it, I try very hard at it.

Comments

[sjh2009]

This is a wonderful and thoughtful post and, yes, a difficult subject as we are taught from an early age not to brag. But at the same time, in order to get on in life, we to have to be confident in our abilities and more than ever these days, if we want to have the career we want we have to learn to sell ourselves.

It's so clear from this that you enjoy helping others achieve their full potential, in whatever they want to do, and I love that you have offered your knowledge and experience here.

Congratulations on your promotion, it is clearly well deserved :)

Thank you for sharing, and for your generosity here. You certainly have much to be proud of and you must be a wonderful friend.

[jesse_the_k]

Huzzah! I love being able to witness you taking pride in the skills which require decades to hone.

(Also too many damn managers know zero about standing behind their reports.) [and "reports" is a weird word -- brings to mind a gun going off.])

I enjoyed Bonnie Tsui's book Why We Swim -- she explores many kinds of watery interaction: recreational, Olympic, open ocean, community, Black, white and Asian, young and old, disabled and nondisabled.

[corvidology]

What a lovely post, full of certainty about how much you bring to the table. :D

[adafrog]

:D

[kate]

Oh, thank you so much! :D :D :D

I really do enjoy helping people achieve their full potential, and the more I do it, the more I realize that I really just want to help everyone do whatever it is they want to do.

Thank you for such a sweet comment, this has honestly made my day. And to return the favor - I have watched you make such thoughtful, time-taking comments on my own and so many others' journals over snowflake, and that is a serious skill. You do a great job of it. <3

[kate]

:D :D :D Thank you! :D

Ugh yes, so many shitty managers in the world, sigh. Also - I don't love reports, but it's better than "FTEs" (so impersonal!) and more individual than "staff"... it's tough. Sometimes I just say "my people" but that can be misinterpreted.

Ooooh - thanks for that rec, that looks fascinating! I love swimming and I have so many feels about it, I'd love to read that!

[kate]

<3!

[kate]

Thank you so much! Many years went into the making of this post. :D

[luthien]

That's a great list of skills. There are so very many bad managers out there - being a good one is an achievement indeed and very much worth being proud of.

[sjh2009]

Thank you so much, that's so kind of you to say so! I've really enjoyed helping to mod the challenge. I've taken part so many times that I decided to give something back.

Before I took early retirement to care for my mother I had been a Team Leader for almost 20 years. Some of my team were quite young and finding their way in life and others were older and had been held back by previous managers. It gave me so much pleasure to encourage them to extend themselves and support them to reach their full potential. One of them took over my position when I left :)

[kate]

Thank you! I am very proud of my managerial skills; being a manager is not something that's typically taught, and the few courses I've seen on it are technical and not about the important things, which is actually how to manage people.

[analise010]

Amazing! There are so many things here to be proud of. :)

[hannah]

Good human resources management is one of those things that's difficult to notice, because when it's done right, everything is going so smoothly nobody thinks to take note of it. All the more reason to deliberately pay attention.

[kate]

<3 <3 <3 ty!

[kate]

EXACTLY! You get it. :D

[analise010]

Coming back to say... are you open to a fic consult on contracting? I'm gonna need some #SexPaperwork that's less boring than what Anastasia Steele negotiated with Christian Grey. XD

[kate]

Yeah, absolutely! Hit me up. My email is kisahawklin at gmail. I have access to Word and use googledocs and google drive and should be able to manage almost any format you'd like to share in.

[bold_seer]

I really like your response. It's a sign of maturity and self-knowledge that you can confidently state these are things I'm good at, topics I can help you with, skills that I've taken the time to develop without doing so in an off-putting way. You sound credible and like a good manager.

Also, I like how you've listed these areas of expertise. I was going to say some of them are very different from one another (and very different from the things I know about), but not necessarily? Music, dance, sports, emergency rooms, managing people - I'm sure there are similarities between them, as well. Like reading other people and situations, making things run smoothly and solving problems.

[kate]

Thank you very much!

I think all things are connected by just being basic human activities. I get into most of the things I'm doing because of a sudden new interest, which is how I got into all of that stuff except managing/contracting/research admin, which was basically luck. I love to look at skills people have collected through their lives as a history of sorts, which is what this is for me, too. I still love dance and swimming but I don't do them myself often anymore. I'm still playing music but it's been over 20 years since I worked in an ER, so who knows if that information is truly relevant anymore. Things change pretty rapidly in healthcare, actually.