Dream this morning
1/22/19 10:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kateIt started with me being in this big mansion with my family. We were all living there, I think. And we were just hanging around and I remembered that I’d locked up a young girl years ago – and I was like, shit, I need to tell my family about this and also check on the girl, and I was just extremely stressed about it. So I call the fam around, and they’re all in the living room on chairs and couches and things, and I start talking about how I locked up this girl because she was going to bring harm to our grandfather somehow? I think she knew something about him that we couldn’t let her tell anyone?
Anyway, I was explaining to the fam and they just stopped listening to me, like, got up and left or went to check their phones or went to get food, whatever. And it was, of course, right before I got to the explanation about why. I’d basically spent too long setting up the situation and not got to the important bits.
So I went to the room to see what I’d find, and when I opened the door, lo and behold, the girl was alive and fine! And there was a young boy with her (like, 12 – she was 16-ish). And I did NOT remember the boy at all until I opened the door, and then I did, and I was like… why am I a horrible person, how could I do this to these kids, and also how are they alive??! And then there’s a real young boy in there TOO! (Age 6, maybe?) And he just hops on out and heads to the kitchen for some food and I am just horrified at myself, I’m like, how did I do this, I’m a monster.
I then went to the kitchen to talk to the young boy and he was like, “it’s okay, it wasn’t you that put us in there, it was that other you” and I knew what he meant, that it was me, but like, the worst version of me, like a monster I usually kept hidden but that occasionally slipped out anyway. And of course that didn’t make me feel any better, but WOW did this give me a lot to think about today.
I have certain parts of this dream a lot. That first part? Where everyone stops listening to me before I say the thing I want to say? I get that on occasion when I feel like I don’t have a voice in a situation – usually a familial one (that part is quite literal).
I also occasionally have dreams about having done truly horrifying things. I mean, I’m not perfect, but I don’t believe I’ve ever murdered anyone, or locked them up forever, or done any other truly horrifying thing. So that always bothers me a bit, to have dreams where I do something monstrous.
Finally, the concept that there is more than one me – and the other me is a monster – comes to play in various ways. This time, I feel like I’m trying to remind myself that I need to bring out my better self. I feel very worn down by this client and it’s exhausting. I’ve also sort of crawled back into my shell a little bit – the bright shine I exuded early on has definitely worn off as I’ve tried to do to much and thus not succeeded with flying colors. I need to take that back and end the engagement with a bang. I can do this work, and I can do it well. I just need to want to. I don’t really want to anymore.
In general, it was sad. I haven't felt great in months - this job is just SO MUCH STRESS - but I haven't felt good, even. I mostly feel like I've been hanging on by my fingernails for about eight months, and I'm just fucking exhausted. I'm ready to be done. But what I'm realizing is that I need to stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and kick on my internal light. I can do it, and everyone will be better for it, including me.
Anyway, I was explaining to the fam and they just stopped listening to me, like, got up and left or went to check their phones or went to get food, whatever. And it was, of course, right before I got to the explanation about why. I’d basically spent too long setting up the situation and not got to the important bits.
So I went to the room to see what I’d find, and when I opened the door, lo and behold, the girl was alive and fine! And there was a young boy with her (like, 12 – she was 16-ish). And I did NOT remember the boy at all until I opened the door, and then I did, and I was like… why am I a horrible person, how could I do this to these kids, and also how are they alive??! And then there’s a real young boy in there TOO! (Age 6, maybe?) And he just hops on out and heads to the kitchen for some food and I am just horrified at myself, I’m like, how did I do this, I’m a monster.
I then went to the kitchen to talk to the young boy and he was like, “it’s okay, it wasn’t you that put us in there, it was that other you” and I knew what he meant, that it was me, but like, the worst version of me, like a monster I usually kept hidden but that occasionally slipped out anyway. And of course that didn’t make me feel any better, but WOW did this give me a lot to think about today.
I have certain parts of this dream a lot. That first part? Where everyone stops listening to me before I say the thing I want to say? I get that on occasion when I feel like I don’t have a voice in a situation – usually a familial one (that part is quite literal).
I also occasionally have dreams about having done truly horrifying things. I mean, I’m not perfect, but I don’t believe I’ve ever murdered anyone, or locked them up forever, or done any other truly horrifying thing. So that always bothers me a bit, to have dreams where I do something monstrous.
Finally, the concept that there is more than one me – and the other me is a monster – comes to play in various ways. This time, I feel like I’m trying to remind myself that I need to bring out my better self. I feel very worn down by this client and it’s exhausting. I’ve also sort of crawled back into my shell a little bit – the bright shine I exuded early on has definitely worn off as I’ve tried to do to much and thus not succeeded with flying colors. I need to take that back and end the engagement with a bang. I can do this work, and I can do it well. I just need to want to. I don’t really want to anymore.
In general, it was sad. I haven't felt great in months - this job is just SO MUCH STRESS - but I haven't felt good, even. I mostly feel like I've been hanging on by my fingernails for about eight months, and I'm just fucking exhausted. I'm ready to be done. But what I'm realizing is that I need to stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and kick on my internal light. I can do it, and everyone will be better for it, including me.
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on 1/24/19 12:54 pm (UTC)