kate | Today is my birthday, and I am sad.

Those two things aren't necessarily related, though they are at least a little bit.

I read somewhere that adoptees tend to get sad around their birthdays. It rang true to me, though not in my own personal experience. I wasn't sad around my birthday when I was young, but I wasn't happy, either.

I do remember my sister needing to have the bestest birthday EVERY YEAR or she would be super melancholy (she is also adopted). I rarely did much for my birthdays, and as I hit adulthood, I did almost nothing, and usually alone. Once I started working in an office, I started trying to find ways to remove my birthday from the office calendar. Work birthday celebrations are even more awkward than normal ones.

Today a bunch of stuff came together to fuck me up, I think.

1. I had a bad dream where my sisters and I were going to go somewhere and do things. At first it was just my big sis and I and we did part of whatever it was, kinda a spa day, I think? There were towels involved. But when we sat down to eat, there was another person there? I don't remember who, a niece, maybe, and she reminded us that we were supposed to call my little sister before we went on to the next part of our adventure (seeing something? I thought it was a museum, but it was like… a shrine, almost? Of something really sad, like a shooting.). When she arrived, my wife was also there with a gaggle of friends (her online gaming friends, there's four or five of them and I've met them and know them, and we get along fine, but they are very clearly her friends) and my friend Joe, who I haven't spoken to in months (and if you don't count twice-yearly snarky comments on Twitter, then years). Joe always seems to show up in my sad dreams.

For whatever reason, we were walking to the… shrine, event, whatever, and I was wearing a sweatshirt with nothing underneath. I wasn't hot yet, but I knew I would be, so as we went by my mom's house, I was like, "I'm gonna pop in and change my shirt." But no one stopped, they were just like, "catch up!" But I didn't know where they were going, and I still wasn't clear on WHAT it was, so I was apprehensive. So I go into my mom's and of course I can't find a damn shirt! And my little sis is there, talking and expecting responses and being distracting, and my big sis is trying to be helpful with directions and stuff, since she knows I'm nervous.

I eventually put on a pajama top and make my way to wherever, even though I'm already getting sad at this point, and whatever it is they were going to see has either already happened or is halfway over, and they're all sitting around a table without room for me, and so I sort of stand awkwardly behind my wife. Then they decide to leave, so my wife and I go inside… somewhere… and there are beds, where couples are all hanging out. Not having sex or napping or anything, but… hanging out. And my wife starts talking about this upcoming thing she's going to with her friends (a convention maybe? (even though IRL she does not have any of these plans)) and how she's going to participate in a "boy swap." And I'm like… "Do you miss boys?" (This has been on my mind for other reasons recently, so I know where this comes from, but it doesn't usually make me sad? (or jealous – I'm not that type of person), but here it totally did.) And then I was like, "Where are you getting the boy to swap? Are you bringing a friend?"

But before I could get answers, I woke up.

2. I participated in a big bang that was a clusterfuck from start to finish, and a 50k fic that I have worked on for over a year missed its audience. It's a long involved story, my artist had some problems, whatever whatever, but not only did we miss our posting date, we missed posting during the whole fest, and this story that I dearly love and worked SO HARD on, is basically being ignored, and it makes me unaccountably sad.

3. I think I might have walking pneumonia.

4. We've chosen to move to Wisconsin in August. I've searched apartments but it hasn't gone particularly well so far, and we've given notice, and there are money concerns. Money always gets me nervous and sad.

There's probably more but that's plenty for right now. Anyway, this morning, when I got my birthday text from my sister, I was in the bathroom crying. I hate today. I hate birthdays. I hate being sad with reason but with no way to resolve it because the reasons are nebulous and also kinda stupid. Fuck today.