kate: Aang from behind, looking at a starry night. (AtLA: Aang meditating)
[personal profile] kate
I woke up from a really disturbing dream this morning, and I had to write it down because it really affected me. I had some strong positive feelings about the beginning of it, and then hugely negative ones at the end.

We were at my mom's house. Me, Eliot, Hardison. And we were watching a thing, I thought it was Leverage, huh. And we had strong opinions about things (Eliot's and mine were always the same, and he'd sling his arm around me in solidarity). I remember at one point lifting Eliot off the ground when he didn't feel adamantly enough about something – like, he had his arms sort of resting on my shoulders, not a hug, they were resting there and flopping out from me, and I grabbed them and lifted him off the ground and jumped around insisting, "It is not farming!!!" and he was laughing and going, "All right, all right!"

And then there was a different part, I can't remember what this was, but there was a kitten in a jar. And by kitten, I mean cat – and I think it was actually Weebl. And I had put him there, though I cannot remember the reason why now, I just know that at the time, I didn't think it'd be harmful or anything, and it was a reasonable place to put him because I didn't have enough space, and I knew he'd be okay in there. But then when I took the gang over to check on him, we opened the jar, and he… looked okay, but it was kind of sad? Like I realized I shouldn't put cats in jars. And then later I went to check on him again and he looked really awful, and I was like, why is he in a jar? But I couldn't take him out, I don't know why. And later yet, we went back and I thought he was dead, and there was a little relief (like, at least he's not in the jar anymore) but obviously sadness, too. But then he opened an eye and I was SO SAD because that cat should not be in a jar! But I couldn't take him out!

Things shifted, as they do in dreams. We had been at my mom's house, and we decided we were going to visit my friend Charlie, because we'd meant to for ages, and there was a little boy with us (brother, maybe? related to Eliot or Hardison?) that wanted to meet him. We didn't end up at Charlie's, we ended up at Hardison's mom's place (she was Chinese). And the house was like a crazy house at a circus, all staircases that make no sense and are scary or dangerous, and bathrooms that weren't bathrooms… but I'd been there before. I'd lived in the apartment next door with my wife back in the day. I didn't tell Hardison that, but when I went into the kitchen, there was supposed to be a bathroom in the pantry area, and his mom was all "Oh, no, that doesn't work. That just leads to our extra apartment [where me and my wife used to live]. Do you want to see? I've been thinking about fixing it up and renting it."

And I was all "sure!" because I wanted to see my apartment! And we went in, and the lights didn't really work in the big room (kitchen/dining/living room all together) and there was some weird spotlight thing that was highlighting some weird art that had blue devil faces and people running scared, and Hardison's mom was like, "Oh, dear, can't have that" and I was like DDDDDDD: WTF WAS THAT THERE WHEN WE WERE LIVING THERE? And I kind of knew it was, but we never spent much time in there, so I wasn't tooo worried about it. Partially because they were blue.

But then we went into the bedroom with attached bathroom and there was another one, and it was WORSE because omg, the devil was red and he was holding people in his hands that were clearly terrified! But it was just one mural – there were two other ones in the bedroom and one in the bathroom.

The one in the bathroom was of Stonehenge. I caught a glimpse as I ran out of the room. I was very upset about the devil. I called my wife, I was like, "WE NEVER TOOK DOWN THE DEVIL AND HE'S EATING PEOPLE!" and she was like, no, it's fine, he's not eating people, I don't see any people.

And then she was there in the room with us, and she took me back in, and looked at the mural, and was like, nope, don't see any people, just the devil, and he's not that scary, really.

I wouldn't look at it again, so I looked at the other murals instead, which we had painted. One was of a Chinese temple or palace, and the other one was of all these Toothlesses attacking something. And I remembered that it was a D&D game where we'd needed this rare type of dragon, so we'd magicked a bunch of other dragons into Night Furies. It made me smile because it was cheerful and represented a time we had fun.

And then Jeeves came out of the bathroom, and I was like… "We left Jeeves here." There wasn't any alarm, just, I knew we'd left Jeeves, we couldn't have him at our new place, and he was obviously healthy, but he was meowing for attention, which we gave him. But it made me feel guilty about the cat in a jar again, so I was like, "We're taking him home!" even though I knew we didn't have a place for him. I didn't care. I wasn't going to leave him there, and especially not with that devil.

And then I woke up. It was a pretty disturbing dream, that. The devil stuff was really disturbing, and the cat stuff too.

And I think it's because I've been having a discussion with [personal profile] citrusjava about consent, and being in control vs. feeling like you're in control, how that affects how you see what's done to you, and obviously there's some really nasty stuff going on in the back of my mind, here. I'll try to get it together and post about it, if I can, but no guarantees.

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